The harsh deal.

Day 16! I think I'm over the half way mark on the Blog every day in May challenge. Today's topic is another one that's a bit hard and making me think - it's on something difficult about your lot in life and how you are working to overcome in.

I could start by saying that I'm too nice. I'm definitely a people pleasure and I get way too emotionally invested in things - work, personal situations, with my pets. But I think all of these things tie in deeper to my ultimate hard card in life... my ongoing battle with depression.

For as long as I can remember I've always been depressed. Don't get me wrong - I had a happy childhood - but there were times when I would cry myself to sleep at night because I didn't want to get older and lose my family. People would tell me about sad things and I would just become emotionally overwhelmed by it.

In high school it got a bit worse. I was more of a homebody and found comfort in online virtual chat worlds where I could be myself. I did contemplate suicide, and there were times that I inflicted harm upon myself. I did have help through therapists, and in college I saw them as well. But it wasn't until my grandpa got sick that I realized that I couldn't keep living this way so I asked for help through medicine.

And it was like someone flipped a switch. I started to see that it was okay to be sad but I couldn't allow myself to wallow in it. Bad things happen in life - and I realized that some of my depression was hereditary. However, after my grandpa's passing I didn't deal too well and fell into a depression again. This time though, alcohol was my supposed way to deal and it was one of the worst things I've ever done.

Why am I telling you all this? Because I know there might be someone out there who reads this who may be depressed themselves. But you can get help and you can get to feeling better. Tell someone - a family member, a friend. Seek help because it can - and does get better. If I have kids one day and they happen to inherit this from me I want them to know that it does get better. There is a way to get help - the hardest part for me was to ask.

If you are in desperate need of talking to someone, call the suicide help line at 1-800-784-2433.

And for what it's worth.. I've been pretty happy lately and haven't felt dispair in a long time. Sure, I still have my days where I feel off, but no where near the sadness and darkness that I've felt before.